 |
We dedicate this page to animal-related humor and articles that have touched our hearts.
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail! After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And cat couldn't care less one way or the other.
Author Unknown I am your dog, and I have a little something I'd like to whisper in your ear. I know that you humans lead busy lives. Some have to work, some have children to raise. It always seems like you are running here and there, often much too fast, often never noticing the truly grand things in life. Look down at me now, while you sit there at your computer. See the way my dark brown eyes look at yours? They are slightly cloudy now. That comes with age. The gray hairs are beginning to ring my soft muzzle. You smile at me; I see love in your eyes. What do you see in mine? Do you see a spirit? A soul inside, who loves you as no other could in the world? A spirit that would forgive all trespasses of prior wrong doing for just a simple moment of your time? That is all I ask. To slow down, if even for a few minutes to be with me. So many times you have been saddened by the words you read on that screen, of other of my kind, passing. Sometimes we die young and oh so quickly, sometimes so suddenly it wrenches your heart out of your throat. Sometimes, we age so slowly before your eyes that you may not even seem to know until the very end, when we look at you with grizzled muzzles and cataract clouded eyes. Still the love is always there, even when we must take that long sleep, to run free in a distant land. I may not be here tomorrow; I may not be here next week. Someday you will shed the water from your eyes, that humans have when deep grief fills their souls, and you will be angry at yourself that you did not have just "One more day" with me. Because I love you so, your sorrow touches my spirit and grieves me We have NOW, together. So come, sit down here next to me on the floor and look deep into my eyes. What do you see? If you look hard and deep enough we will talk, you and I, heart to heart. Come to me not as "alpha" or as "trainer" or even "Mom or Dad," come to me as a living soul and stroke my fur and let us look deep into one another's eyes, and talk. I may tell you something about the fun of chasing a tennis ball, or I may tell you something profound about myself, or even life in general. You decided to have me in your life because you wanted a soul to share such things with. Someone very different from you, and here I am. I am a dog, but I am alive. I feel emotion, I feel physical senses, and I can revel in the differences of our spirits and souls. I do not think of you as a "Dog on two feet" -- I know what you are. You are human, in all your quirkiness, and I love you still. Now, come sit with me, on the floor. Enter my world, and let time slow down if only for 15 minutes. Look deep into my eyes, and whisper to my ears Speak with your heart, with your joy and I will know your true self. We may not have tomorrow, and life is oh so very short. --Love, (on behalf of canines everywhere)  The little orange boy stopped. Behind him, kitties were playing, chasing each other and wrestling in the warm sunshine. It looked like so much fun, but in front of him, through the clear stillness of the pond's water, he could see his mommy. And she was crying. He pawed at the water, trying to get at her, and when that didn't work, he jumped into the shallow water. All that got him was wet and Mommy's image danced away in the ripples. "Mommy!" he cried. "Is something wrong?" The little orange boy turned around. A lady was standing at the edge of the pond, her eyes sad but filled with love. The little orange boy sighed and walked out of the water. "There's been a mistake," he said. "I'm not supposed to be here." He looked back at the water. It was starting to still again and his mommy's image was coming back. "I'm just a baby. Mommy said it had to be a mistake. She said I wasn't supposed to come here yet." The kind lady sighed and sat down on the grass. The little orange boy climbed into her lap. It wasn't Mommy's lap, but it was almost as good. When she started to pet him and scratch under his chin like he liked, he started to purr. He hadn't wanted to, but he couldn't help it. "I'm afraid there is no mistake. You are supposed to be here and your mommy knows it deep down in her heart," the lady said. The little orange boy sighed and laid his head on the lady's leg. "But she's so sad. It hurts me to see her cry. And daddy too." "But they knew right from the beginning this would happen." "That I was sick?" That surprised the little orange boy. No one had ever said anything and he had listened when they thought he was sleeping. All he had heard them talk about was how cute he was or how fast he was or how big he was getting. "No, not that you were sick," the lady said. "But you see, they chose tears." "No, they didn't," the little orange boy argued. Who would choose to cry? The lady gently brushed the top of his head with a kiss. It made him feel safe and loved and warm- but he still worried about his mommy. "Let me tell you a story," the lady said. The little orange boy looked up and saw other animals gathering around. Cats- Big Boy and Snowball and Shamus and Abby and little Cleo and Robin. Merlin and Toby and Iggy and Zachary. Sweetie and Kamatte and OBie. Dogs too- Sally and Baby and Morgan and Rocky and Belle. Even a lizard named Clyde and some rats named Saffron and Becky and a hamster named Odo. They all lay down near the kind lady and looked up at her, waiting. She smiled at them and began: But after a time the Loving Ones came back to the Angel in Charge. "Things are okay to love," they said. "But they don't care that we love them." The Angel in Charge led them over to the second window. It looked out at all sorts of wild animals. "Here are animals to love," he said. "They will know you love them." So the Loving Ones hurried out to care for the wild animals. "You have chosen Satisfaction," the angel said. Some of the Loving Ones worked at zoos and wild animal preserves, some just had bird feeders in their yards, but after a time they all came back to the Angel in Charge. "They know we love them," they told the angel. "But they don't love us back. We want to be loved in return." So the angel took them to the third window and showed them lots of people walking around, hurrying places. "Here are people for you to love," the angel told them. So the Loving Ones hurried off to find other people to love. "You have chosen Commitment," the angel said. But after a time a lot of Loving Ones came back to the Angel in Charge. "People were okay to love," they said. "But sometimes they stopped loving us and left. They broke our hearts." The angel just shook his head. "I cannot help you," he said. "You will have to be satisfied with the choices I gave you." As the Loving Ones were leaving, someone saw a window off to one side and hurried to look out. Through it, they could see puppies and kittens and dogs and cats and lizards and hamsters and ferrets. The other Loving Ones hurried over. "What about these?" they asked. But the angel just tried to shoo them away. "Those are Personal Empathy Trainers," he said. "But there's a problem with their system operations." "Would they know that we love them?" someone asked "Yes," the angel said. "Would they love us back?" another asked. "Yes," the angel said. "Will they stop loving us?" someone else asked. "No," the angel admitted. "They will love you forever." "Then these are what we want," the Loving Ones said. But the angel was very upset. "You don't understand," he told them. "You will have to feed these animals." "That's all right," the Loving Ones said. "You will have to clean up after them and take care of them forever." "We don't care." The Loving Ones did not listen. They went down to where the PETs were and picked them up, seeing the love in their own hearts reflected in the animals' eyes. "They were not programmed right," the angel said. "We can't offer a warranty. We don't know how durable they are. Some of their systems malfunction very quickly, others last a long time." But the Loving Ones did not care. They were holding the warm little bodies and finding their hearts so filled with love that they thought they would burst. "We will take our chances," they said. "You do not understand." The angel tried one more time. "They are so dependent on you that even the most well-made of them is not designed to outlive you. You are destined to suffer their loss." The Loving Ones looked at the sweetness in their arms and nodded. "That is how it should be. It is a fair trade for the love they offer." The angel just watched them all go, shaking his head. "You have chosen Tears," he whispered. "So it is," the kind lady told the kitties. "And so each mommy and daddy knows. When they take a baby into their heart, they know that one day it will leave them and they will cry." The little orange boy sat up. "So why do they take us in?" he asked. "Because even a moment of your love is worth years of pain later." "Oh." The little orange boy got off the lady's lap and went back to the edge of the pond. His mommy was still there, and still crying. "Will she ever stop crying?" he asked the kind lady. She nodded. "You see, the Angel felt sorry for the Loving Ones, knowing how much they would suffer. He couldn't take the tears away but he made them special." She dipped her hand into the pond and let the water trickle off her fingers. "He made them healing tears, formed from the special water here. Each tear holds bits of all the happy times of purring and petting and shared love. And the promise of love once again. As your mommy cries, she is healing. "It may take a long while, but the tears will help her feel better. In time she will be less sad and she will smile when she thinks of you. And then she will open her heart again to another little baby." "But then she will cry again one day," the little orange boy said. The lady just smiled at him as she got to her feet. "No, she will love again. That is all she will think about." She picked up Big Boy and Snowball and gave them hugs, then scratched Morgan's ear just how she liked. "Look," she said. "The butterflies have come. Shall we go over to play?" The other animals all ran ahead, but the little orange boy wasn't ready to leave his mommy. "Will I ever get to be with her again?" The kind lady nodded. "You'll be in the eyes of every kitty she looks at. You'll be in the purr of every cat she pets. And late at night, when she's fast asleep, your spirit will snuggle up close to her and you both will feel at peace. One day soon, you can even send her a rainbow to tell her you're safe and waiting here for when it's her turn to come." "I would like that," the little orange boy said and took one long look at his mommy. He saw her smile slightly through her tears and he knew she had remembered the time he almost fell into the bathtub. "I love you, Mommy," he whispered. "It's okay if you cry." He glanced over at the others, running and playing and laughing with the butterflies. "Uh, Mommy? I gotta go play now, okay? But I'll be around, I promise."
Written by Anne Kolaczyk February 5, 1998 "She keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this", the woman told the volunteer. "What is it she keeps asking for?" she asked. "Puppy size!" "We have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for." "I know. We have seen most of them," she said in frustration. Just then the young child came walking in the office. "Well, did you find one?" "No, not this time," she said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?" The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed. "You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said. The young child took her Mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I bet we'll find one this weekend," the child said. Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about "puppy size" either," Mom added. Sure enough they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now the young child knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of the routine, Mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted. The young girl walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one." It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. "Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. Mom, startled by all the commotion, came running. "What? Are you sure? How do you know?" she asked. "It's the puppy sighs!" "Yes, it is the same size as all the other puppies you held the last few weeks," Mom said. "No, not "size" ... "sighs." When I held him in my arms he sighed," she said. "So?" "Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me "Love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sighs!" The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug her child she did a little of both. "Mom every time you hold me I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart." Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day. They are the sighs of God. The more you love Him, the bigger the sighs.* Click The Play Button To Hear The Story You may have written these words yourself. May be you have "been there?" "Watch out! You nearly broad sided that car!" My father yelled at me. "Can't you do anything right?" Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle. "I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him? Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess. The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man. Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky. He survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctor's orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone. My wife, Debra, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Debra. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Debra sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent. A raindrop struck my cheek. I looked up into the gray sky. Somewhere up there was "God." Although I believe a Supreme Being had created the universe, I had difficulty believing that God cared about the tiny human being on this earth. I was tired of waiting for a God who didn't answer. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. Yet none of them seemed to have a good answer. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article." I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog. I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs-all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons. Too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the room and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly. I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. "He's a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly. As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're going to kill him?" "Sir," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog." I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. "I'll take him," I said. I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. "Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it!!!! I don't want it!!!" Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house. Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!!!" Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, ~his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw. Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne. Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Debra, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night. Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Debra and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind. The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers. I've often thanked God for sending that angel," the Pastor said. For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: The sympathetic voice that had just read the right article. Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. His calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father. The proximity of their deaths. - And suddenly I understood, and I knew. God had answered my prayers after all.
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you drop it, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours.
Life Lessons Learned From A Dog:
Cats are from Venus, Dogs are from Mars
What is a Dog?
New Dog Breeds!
Spitz + Chow Chow
Pointer + Setter
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Terrier + Bulldog
Bloodhound + Labrador
Malamute + Pointer
Collie + Malamute
Deerhound + Terrier
Scottish Terrier + Great Dane
Bull Terrier + Shih tzu
*************************************************************************** A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! *************************************************************************** If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can do all these things . . . THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG *************************************************************************** The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650". "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would have charged you only $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and Lab tests." *************************************************************************** (The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.) *************************************************************************** Are you truly ready for a dog? This is a test that every Potential Puppy Owner (PPO) is recommended to first pass and, after passing, will be given a license to begin learning about the breed of their choice. No physical force, yelling, or cursing is allowed during the test. Protective clothing or soil-proof clothes are not allowed. Small wounds and scratches are to be handled in a blase manner. Tests will be held in a variety of environments and PPO will enter brush, woods etc. with a happy face. Any PPO seen wiping dog hair or saliva off their clothing will not pass. The tests:
PPO must stand between a 14 month old Golden Retriever and a field. The handler of the puppy will then throw a ball directly into the path of the Golden. PPO must stand their ground and take their clobbering in good nature. PPO must serve dinner to 6 Rottweiller puppies, not older than 6 months and not younger than 4 months. PPO must not spill the food and the puppies will not be held in any stay position. PPO must quiet 4 Shelties, or 6 Pomeranians, when the doorbell rings. PPO has two minutes and the puppies must have been handled previously by a breeder immune to the noise who lives in the middle of nowhere. PPO must hold their ground with 10 Jack Russell chasing an animal they perceive as prey. PPO must hold their leashes and not move more than 6 inches. No corrections may be issued, but PPO is welcome to try to distract them. PPO must walk 2 Great Danes on ice. PPO must not move more than 100 feet. PPO must play with a Newfoundland after the dog has been swimming in a pond. They must attempt to dry themselves with a dishtowel. At no time will the PPO appear disgusted. PPO must leave 3 Huskies alone in their home, uncrated, for 3 hours. PPO is allowed to cry upon return. PPO must groom an adult male collie blowing coat completely within 25 minutes, ears, nails, teeth and coat. The dog will have been recently bathed to give PPO a fighting chance. PPO must fit a Basenji into a winter coat within 5 minutes. Basenji cannot have worn a coat before. PPO must removes thistles from an English Setter by hand with a fine-toothed comb. PPO must exercise a Viszla that has not been out for 2 days. PPO must not tire out before the dog. PPO must sleep in the same room as a bulldog. If the PPO cannot sleep, they must be happy in the morning. PPO will navigate through 10 small dogs without stepping on one. PPO must be able to secure a good supply of used plastic bags within 3 days. PPO must be able to successfully get a dog to throw up in a plastic grocery bag while in the passenger seat of a car. PPO must not die of shock when they get the vet bill for neutering a Mastiff. PPO must sit in a closed room with two dogs that were fed broccoli and beans and exhibit no disgusted facial expressions. PPO must vow to nurture, love, train and care for their dogs for the rest of the dog's life. PPO must accept that each dog is an individual which needs to live in a pack. PPO must vow to educate themselves about the breed of their choice and requirements expected. PPO must vow to obtain his dog from a reputable shelter/rescue/breeder. Furthermore PPO must conduct themselves in a responsible manner, securing liberties for the rest of the dog-loving community. PPO must remain good-humored and remember that for every insane, tough moment there will be a hundred more good ones. PPO must try to be the person that their dog thinks they are. *************************************************************************** * I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. * The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. * I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. * I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. * I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. * I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. * I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. * I will not throw up in the car. * I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. * "Kitty box crunchies" are not food. * I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. * The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. * I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her armpit. * I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. * I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. * When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. * We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. * I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. * The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. * My head does not belong in the refrigerator. * I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration... Things Cats Must Try To Remember: Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files". Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my missing parts grow back. If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty. Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them! *************************************************************************** *************************************************************************** A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." Then a third child brought the argument to a close... "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." *************************************************************************** The other is good -- he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you -- and inside every other person, too." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed." *************************************************************************** A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." *************************************************************************** Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money." The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?" "Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle, "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared; this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...."I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would." With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands." The world is full of people who need someone who understands. *************************************************************************** The frog then opened his mouth and said, "Could you please help me?" The elderly woman was shocked at first but picked up the little frog and asked him what he needed. The frog proceeded to tell the woman that he was actually a handsome young prince that had been turned into a frog. All the lady had to do was to kiss the frog on the lips and he would turn back into a handsome prince, and would then be eternally grateful to the woman. Well, the woman thought for a moment and then quietly slipped the frog into her purse. As she was walking away she quietly muttered, "At my age I'll have more fun with a talking frog." *************************************************************************** So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the lab's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the lab. So, off he goes. The lab trots off down the street and comes to a crossing. The lab puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it does, he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The lab then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The lab checks out the times, and sits on one of the benches. Along comes a bus. The lab walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his bench. Another bus comes. Again the lab goes and checks out the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now fully intrigued, follows the lab onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the lab gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still in tow. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door. Then he goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the lab goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the lab, who now hangs his head in shame. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" *************************************************************************** Excerpts From A Dog's Diary Day number 180 8:00 Am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 Am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 9:40 Am - Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favorite! 10:30 Am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 11:30 Am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 12:00 Noon - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 1:00 Pm - Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite! 4:00 Pm - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 5:00 PM - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 5:30 PM - Oh Boy! Mom! My Favorite! Day number 181 8:00 Am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 9:30 Am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 9:40 Am - Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favorite! 10:30 Am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 11:30 Am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 12:00 Noon - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 1:00 Pm - Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite! 4:00 Pm - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 5:00 PM - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 5:30 PM - Oh Boy! Mom! My Favorite! Day number 182 8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 9:30 am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 9:40 am - Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favorite! 10:30 am - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite! 1:30 pm - ooooooo. Bath. Bummer. 4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 5:00 PM - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 5:30 PM - Oh Boy! Mom! My Favorite! Excerpts From A Cat's Diary DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time... *************************************************************************** "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown "Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill "In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg "No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --Fran Lebowitz "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber "You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." --Nora Ephron "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein *************************************************************************** "A cat isn't fussy--just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor."--Arthur Bridges "It is a very inconvenient habit of kittens (Alice had once made the remark) that whatever you say to them, they always purr."--Lewis Carroll "One small cat changes coming home to an empty house to coming home."--Pam Brown "To some blind souls all cats are much alike. To a cat lover every cat from the beginning of time has been utterly and amazingly unique."--Jenny de Vries "There are people who reshape the world by force or argument, but the cat just lies there, dozing, and the world quietly reshapes itself to suit his comfort and convenience."--Allen and Ivy Dodd "Places to look: behind the books in the bookshelf, any cupboard with a gap too small for any cat to squeeze through, the top of anything sheer, under anything too low for a cat to squash under and inside the piano."--Roseanne Ambrose-Brown "A cat can maintain a position of curled up somnolence on your knee until you are nearly upright. To the last minute she hopes your conscience will get the better of you and you will settle down again."-Pam Brown "Cats like doors left open--in case they change their minds."--Rosemary Nisbet "Many a cat can only be lured in by switching off all the lights and keeping very still. Until the indignant cry of a cat-locked-out comes at the door."--Pam Brown "The trouble with sharing one's bed with cats is that they'd rather sleep on you than beside you."--Pam Brown "A cat allows you to sleep on the bed. On the edge."--Jenny de Vries "All cats like being the focus of attention."-Peter Gray "When I play with my cat, who knows if I am not a pastime to her more than she is to me?"--Michel E. de Monaigne "People meeting for the first time suddenly relax if they find they both have cats. And plunge into anecdote."--Charlotte Gray "Nobody who is not prepared to spoil cats will get from them the reward they are able to give to those who do spoil them."-Compton MacKenzie *************************************************************************** - Cats purr. Dogs drool. - Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're excited. - Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg. - It's said that over 10,000 US deaths can be attributed annually to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wakeup licks. - Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won't let you throw them. - Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds. [This is definitely not true! Cats crawl on the paper while you are reading it! LWS] - Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs just crash right in front of the screen. - Fewer cat owners suffer from 'Flappy Tail' lacerations than dog owners. - No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat". - Cats bury their mess. Dogs dig up others'. - Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch. Why do you think they call it, "Dog Breath?" *************************************************************************** "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." "My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes." "Cats are clean. They're just covered with cat spit." *************************************************************************** "This is heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." *************************************************************************** The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back." *************************************************************************** Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road twice without taking a bath?
Q. Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?
Q. Why did the fox cross the road?
Q. Where does a Horse go when he gets sick?
Q. What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the Railroad tracks?
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
*************************************************************************** I love my master;
I lie belly-up
Today I sniffed
I sound the alarm!
I sound the alarm!
I lift my leg and
How do I love thee?
My human is home!
I hate my choke chain
Sleeping here, my chin
Look in my eyes and
The cat is not all
Dig under fence -- why?
I am your best friend,
CAT HAIKU You never feed me.
You must scratch me there!
I need a new toy.
The rule for today.
In deep sleep hear sound
Grace personified
Blur of motion, then-
The mighty hunter
You're always typing
My small cardboard box
Terrible battle
Kitty likes plastic
Small brave carnivores
Want to trim my claws?
I want to be close
Wanna go outside.
Oh no! My Big One
Humans are so strange.
Cats meow out of angst
Litter box not here
The Big Ones snore now
We're almost equals
*************************************************************************** *************************************************************************** For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. 5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music. 6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. 8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy-a sense of complete and utter boredom. 9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. 10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned. *************************************************************************** Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know." "You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?" The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing, except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side. I know my Master Jesus Christ is there, and that is enough. *************************************************************************** 1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named for very good reason, the dog house. 2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation. 3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner. 4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage. 5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases. 6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture. 7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture. 8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed. 9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period. 10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed. 11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers. 12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow. 13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room. 14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair. 15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true. *************************************************************************** The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings "We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M.Facklam "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."-James Thurber "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -Penny Ward Moser "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner *************************************************************************** 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb! 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there..... 13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... 15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. 16. St. Bernard: Slobber's not a conductor, right? 17. Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. 18. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. 19. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. 20. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover..... 21. Beagle: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? 22. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.... *************************************************************************** Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God,
Dear God:
CAT'S LETTER TO GOD
*************************************************************************** "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young; and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in, I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar....... He didn't do any of that stuff" ***************************************************************************
DONT!................ DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will cause aggression problems down the road. DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is just another word for a small cage. DON'T let your dogs sleep outside at night. DON'T let your dog sleep, you should be playing with him all the time. DON'T keep more than 2 dogs. Each dog requires considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a reasonable dog owner to spend quality time with more than 2 dogs. DON'T keep less than 5 dogs. Dogs are pack animals, and five dogs is the minimum number for proper socialization. DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the invention of evil capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional value whatsoever. You might as well feed your dog sawdust. DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken. Cooking destroys all the nutrients. DON'T feed your dog raw meat or chicken. Raw food contains Salmonella, E. coli, and other harmful bacteria. DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl. It will turn his nose pink. DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick. It has nothing to do with dogs but is a good rule nonetheless. DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone can cause a micro chipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo shop. DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear. A dog thief can cut off the tattooed ear. DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. He'll be a tripod before you can say GINSU. DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended. He could get caught on something and choke. DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar. He could run away without any identification. DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate. Plastic crates don't allow sufficient airflow. DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. In a car accident, a wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer. DON'T let your dog drive. It's against the law in many states. DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog. DON'T enter your dog in obedience. It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital "B". DON'T enter your dog in agility. The jumps will injure his joints. DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a psychopath would send their beloved pet with a complete stranger. DON'T handle the dog yourself. You've got a great dog, and he deserves a much better handler than you will ever be. DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much inbreeding has produced dogs with temperament and health problems. DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about their pedigree. In fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead. DON'T. Don't. That's right, you heard me, just don't. DON'T leave your dog's dew claws intact. He will rip one off jumping a log or something, which is quite painful. DON'T remove your dog's dew claws. Dew claws are acupuncture points that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys. AND, the #1 DON'T.... DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs use their whiskers to determine the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping for a new hat. *************************************************************************** A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." *************************************************************************** For an earache:
Some good advice from our animal friends:
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section .....  If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you .....
 If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it .....
 If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want .....
 If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a hoot about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies .....
 If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores .....
Buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually .....
Buy a dog. But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...........
Buy a cat! Talking Dogs Movie
To view additional photos (The Sleeping Beauties) CLICK HERE
|
EasyCounter